I recently made an attempt to make amends with an old “friend”. As I knew that my actions would not be reciprocated, I felt the need to reach out anyway. The relationship ended. He wasn’t a bad guy but he was completely wrong for me and I realized this long before I did anything about it. I (We) tried to force the relationship to work but in the end, it really didn’t work at all and it ended in a horrible explosion and a drawn out war. While I am proud of the final destination, I am not proud of the path taken to get there. I cannot take back my actions or mean things that I have said, I can only apologize for them now. He also cannot take back what was said and done, but I suspect that he shares my feelings of remorse in some way. I don’t imagine I will ever get an apology but regardless, I forgave him and moved on long ago. We were very important to eachother at one time and it hard for me to go from that level to having no relationship at all. I would love to talk to him again someday and be even be friends but I know that he isn’t the type of person who will ever allow that to happen. Maybe it was selfish of me to contact him, but I wanted him to know that I am truly sorry, I do not habor ill-will towards him, and I wish him (and his new wife) happiness. And I do so without expecting the same from him. Though my advance was not reciprocated, it was soothing anyway.
With respect to this mornings posted comment… 9 o’clock. Dahmer. Same thing.
Yesterday I thought I had lost all faith in humanity. Any doubt that I had has been overtaken with complete confidence now.
When you suffer from insomnia and can’t sleep at 3 o’clock in the morning, it’s best if you do not watch Ted Bundy confession videos on youtube. Seriously.
While I am not completely convinced that I want to leave my current job and pursue other opportunities, I am certainly keeping my options open. I recognize that I am in a good place; however, I know that other opportunities may enhance me professionally and I am rather ambitious. As a result, I have ventured out into the job market and have begun the hunt for the perfect new job.
It’s exhilarating in a sense as new opportunity may present many exciting changes in my rather mundane and monotonous life. But just as there are promises of new beginnings, the possibility of rejection is undeniable.
I have been on countless interviews with many companies. While I’d like to think I have perfected the interview process, in reality, I would have landed the prefect job by now if I had. I feel comfortable and in general, all my interviews have been followed up with more interviews or communication from the interviewer expressing their interest in me. I get optimistic. Time passes. Nothing. None of these interviews have lead to job offers, the ultimate goal.
Without waiving my position that I know that I have a lot of offer, I am not naïve enough to think that I am the only person capable of filling the void. I am analytical enough to recognize that plenty of other, and perhaps, better options exist. And as I have said before, I am not convinced that I even want to leave my current position so the inevitable rejection is not likely to be devastating, but perhaps just a disappointment.
In reality, it’s a two-way road. I have shuttered at the thought of accepting some positions because I knew that they were wrong for me. Other times, I’ve gotten really excited about the prospect. I was willing to make sacrifices because, ultimately, in the end, I believed that I would win. Whatever the case may be, its always nice to know when the position is no longer available and you were not selected to fill it. It doesn’t seem to be common practice to do this. As time goes by, eventually you get the point and move on, regardless, a blow is a blow. Why not just say it?
Following a string of events over the past week, I am very sad. I keep falling into the same trap- I get charmed by a man and fall for him, then he breaks my heart (usually immediately sometimes progressively). At this point though, I should be an expert at seeing it coming, but I am blind sighted time and time again. Generally, women blame their mothers for all that goes wrong in their lives, but I blame my dad this time. My father has been a devoted and loving husband to my mom for 32 years! My whole life, I have witnessed him love, respect, and support my mother through everything. That is my ideal of what a relationship should be. But, unfortunately, most men are not that way. I keep fooling myself into thinking that they are. Its my dads fault I am naive and mesmerized by charming good-looking men. And its his fault that I never brace myself for the inevitable heartbreak.
I consider a night successful when I have actually learned a thing or two. Its 230 am, here I go… 1. I am over Roman. Truly over him. When I saw him tonight, I thought he was boring, his laugh irritated me, and his socks! I wanted to ask him for my heart back. The heart he ripped out of my chest about a year ago. Perhaps I will give it to someone else sooner than I think. 2. When you house sit for your boss (and you work from his house) driving to the office at 230 am to go to bed is a very strange feeling. 3. I miss Tori 4. I am elated that Jac and I have been able to work through our stupid differences and become best friends again. 5. Leevin is smart, funny, and charming. I adore him. 6. I would love to relive yesterday because it was so great.
Here is one of my pet peeves: The stupid girl at the gym wearing the cute little outfit, hair done, and full-on make-up tying up the stair master for an hour while not even breaking a sweat. Anyone who has ever used a stair master knows that she is not there for the work-out and her goal can be better accomplished in a buy-me-drinky bar. Since I am on the topic, I have complied of list of places full-on make-up should be avoided:1. At the gym or while performing any sort of activity that will cause you to sweat profusely;2. At soccer games, even if you play frontline;3. When you leave the house specifically to fun an errand that involves going to a hardware store;4. Any activity that involves water: swimming water parks, snorkeling. At a minimum, get some waterproof mascara!
Dating is a lot like job hunting but the same principles don’t necessarily apply in each case. First dates are a lot like job interviews. You are nervous. You spend time selling yourself, embellishing you great points and disguising you flaws in a relentless effort to avoid rejection. While you may not even be convinced that we want the man (or the job) you want to be desired regardless. As you consider the idea of making a commitment, you talk to his friends and acquaintances (references), and anyone else who may have insight, to get an idea of how society ranks him. A great option would be an ex-girlfriend (the past employer) because it will gives you a feeling of what you can reasonably expect, though this opinion has a lot of potential to be biased depending on how the relationship (job) ended. Once you are sold on the idea of “committing” you judge you success in relationships in quite the same way as you rate your success in careers. Generally, a successful career is long-term and progressive. Benefits and wages increase, and ultimately, there is the potential of “partnership” (ie marriage). You also look at the company as whole (the man) and rate it success independently. It is extremely commendable if we are able to revive a failing company and turn into something successful, though this sort of about-face should be handled with caution. If there is no contract, you might be dismissed after your success and others will reap the benefits of your hard work. When things go sour, the tables turn. In relationships, its perfectly acceptable to end things for no apparent reason. Its acceptable to remain single for long periods of time. In fact in some cases, its quite noble. If I am asked a question like “Nadia, why are you single?” a respectable answer may be something like “Well, I have many options, I just haven’t found the right one for me yet.” You’re commended for having high standards! But on the contrary if I am asked why I don’t have a job and give the same answer I am a loser and drain to society. When you do decided to change jobs, its expected that you will immediately progress into a new one (in general the new one offers better benefits, pay, etc.). Again, you are commended for your high standards and peoples feelings aren’t hurt. They validate this sort of rejection by saying “Well, thats business” Though is you end a relationship in this fashion is considered vicious and unsympathetic. You are criticized for being too needy and you better be prepared to have your character attacked. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could slide straight into a new relationship “Nadia, what happened to Joe?” ”Well, I met John and he is so much better”
- The worst part of all is the assumption that just because you are looking for something, means that you will find it.
Ordot Dump has been on its death bed for atleast 30 years yet almost every piece of garbage I have generated in my lifetime is currently at the Ordor Dump. Our ignorance and lack of management has caused a trash crisis on Guam. Had that place been properly managed it would have been closed before I was ever born and we are desperately hanging onto it until we have another option. In a long overdue attempt to extend the life of the dump, the Department of Public Works has mandated that corrugated cardboard will no longer be accepted since eliminating it will decrease the volume of trash entering the dump and corrugated cardboard can be recycled. I believe other items such as aluminum cans and paper should be eliminated as well, but thats another topic completely…
Here’s my gripe, the dumpster at my apartment complex is grossly overflowing since trash collectors have not pick up the garbage in weeks. But as long as morons keep placing cardboard inside the dumpster, the mountain of trash and river of leachate is going to continue to grow. Why are people so stupid? Do those idiots really think that the job of rectifying our trash crisis is above them and everyone elses responsibility? We all need to do our part. In the sceme of things, is recycling really that difficult?
I realized long ago that I am not for everyone and I started to dance to my own beat. But sometimes, I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I just found out another one of my friends is pregnant. I am completely happy for her as I know she has been trying to get pregnant for some time now. Slowly but surely, my peers are slipping away. First, there is courtship, then marriage, and ultimately, the next step, babies. I love to see my friends happy. I am starting to wonder why those sorts of things are not enticing to me. I recently move into a new place and as I filled up my closet (which is quite large) I realized something. If I were to share my life with someone, as in the context of marriage, I would undoubtable have to get rid of many things in that closet. Though I have out grown a lot of things (in both size and style) I would rather keep each and every one of those items in lieu of making room for someone else’s. And the idea of working three jobs seems more relaxing than rearing children. I do not believe I am a selfish person, though it may seem so to many people. I come off harsh most of time but if anyone could get into this hard head of mine, they would realize just how gentle and compassionate I really am. I am terrified of being hurt so much that I’d rather be alone and unloved than take a risk. My experiences have reinforced this principle to me time and time again. Nothing has ever worked out for me. Maybe I am meant to have my own closet…